Thankful......

Well, I'll be honest with you, I've been working through some issues lately, and quite frankly, I'm just tired..... I'm tired of thinking one day everything is going to be ok, and the next day feeling sorry for myself. ( I know I shouldn't do this, but sometimes it's hard not too.....just being honest here) I haven't wanted to post about this because I wanted this blog to be about our life, our happy life, not the "not so happy" life. But as we all know, that's life, some good, some bad.
Another reason I'm posting this is because I sometimes feel better about things if I write (type) them down, and just get it all out! And in two years from now, I want to be able to look back at this and know what I was dealing with during this time. And another reason, God totally lead me to two other blogs tonight of women with the same condition I have. ( I just stumbled upon these blogs off random other people's blogs??) One of them lost her little boy when she was 36 weeks pregnant, and the other lost her twin boys. Both of these women have my same condition. A condition, that I have an appointment to see my Dr. about again this morning. So I feel like maybe I'll be able to connect with other women out there who have this same condition, and we can all work through it together, you know, help each other out, lift each other up....that's what we as women do!
So, now for the "condition". Last year, after my second miscarriage in October, my dr. decided to do further testing and I tested positive for MTHFR, (what the letters stand for is way too long for me to type!) Basically it is a blood clotting disorder/folic acid deficiancy, etc. It puts you at high risk for blood clots, miscarriage, stillbirths, placental abruption, etc. I also found out I have a positive ANA (anti-nucleic antibody..sp?), & tested positive for anti-phospholipid antibodies, etc. My rheumatologist thinks that I may develop Lupus later in life.....who knows????? Or, she said it could be that I'm at the beginning stages of fibromyalgia, based on my symptoms. Again...who knows??? The hard part is NOT knowing. You've been told you have all these conditions, but there aren't any definitive answers. I know that God is in control, and he will not give you anything you can't handle. But I'm just going to be real honest here and say, I'M STILL SCARED!! I want to be around for my family for a LONG time and the thought of blood clots, lupus, etc. scare me.
We really want a second baby, and the road to get there will be long and scary on one hand, and happy and blessed on the other. I am already on a really high dose of Folic Acid, because this condition makes your body not absorb folic acid, so you have to basically "overdose" yourself on folic acid to get your body to accept any. And, I have to take a daily baby aspirin from now on. If I get pregnant again, I will have to take daily Lovenox/Heparin injections for the entire pregnancy, plus 6 weeks after delivery, when the risk of blood clots is very high.
Miscarriage, stillbirth, the loss of a baby/child is so devastating. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm scared of experiencing another miscarriage, or worse.
July 3rd, just 14 days ago, should have been my due date for our 2nd child. I shouldn't be up typing, I should be up with a newborn trying to get him or her back to sleep. But I know that God's timing is always perfect, no matter how hard that is to accept at times.
At the same time, I am so very thankful.....thankful for all of God's blessings.
I've always been so thankful for Nathan, I've always known, he is a miracle. (I had a miscarriage before I had Nathan and was told I would have a hard time carrying a baby b/c of a uterine problem, that I had to have surgery for to correct) But now more than ever, I am in awe at what a wonderful miracle he is! You are born with MTHFR, so I had it when I had Nathan, but we didn't know it. Thankfully, I didn't develop a blood clot and cause him and me both to die when I was pregnant with him. Our God is a wonderful and faithful God!
Even though I am a little anxious and scared about all of the above, I'm also so very thankful.
Thankful to have a healthy 2 year old little boy, and thankful for my loving family and friends, and thankful for my health!
I also trust that God will help us through whatever may come next!